Marty Walsh moves to annex Brookline

In a surprise move, Boston Mayor Marty Walsh has moved hundreds of police officers into nearby Brookline in order to annex the town. He claims this nearby enclave has “many people with Boston accents” and that it was a “historical error” that separated Brookline from Boston a few hundred years ago.

The Brookline Police Department, accustomed to dealing with wild turkeys, package thefts, and parking scofflaws, was unprepared to resist the urban police forces that arrived to oversee a referendum that will be held on Thursday. Captain O’Leary said, “We are going to hold out inside the Coolidge Corner Theater and see what happens.”

Geopolitical experts insist the move isn’t about living space, but a grab at real estate taxes in this posh suburb. Harvard University Professor Michael Studwell said, “Many Bostonians go there on the weekends, and my guess is that they like what they see. But for Mayor Walsh, he’s looking at some of the highest property values in the state. That will pay for a lot of raises for Boston police officers and fire fighters.”

Mayor Walsh insisted that life would go on in Brookline much as before: “Brookline is so much a part of Boston, that little will change. The Town Committee there will maintain its traditional, silly role as a governing body, and we will continue to let them ban popular items and activities within their historic borders. However, we have heard the concerns of the people, and we are going to finally allow overnight parking.”

Not all residents were happy above the move, especially those who don’t have Boston accents. Igor Chomacki, an immigrant who says he fled the oppression of Vladimir Putin, said, “If I wanted a tyrant to send men with guns to take over my community, I would have stayed in Georgia. That being said, I am glad I am going to have somewhere to put my car at night.”

Walsh said he had no interest in taking over other nearby communities. “I think Newton is kind of boring.”

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