Coalition of Right-Wing Groups Admit: MA is not conservative

Boston – April 1, 2013

A diverse group of not-very-diverse people gathered in front of Faneuil Hall today to announce that they had become irrelevant in statewide politics in Massachusetts, and would no longer work within the Republican Party. The groups, including the Massachusetts Association of Republican Councils, the Massachusetts Pro-Life Association, the Massachusetts Firearms Committee, the Massachusetts Marriage Association, and the Massachusetts Patriots – admitted that an overwhelming amount of polling and election results correctly identified Massachusetts “as the most liberal state in America.”

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The President of the Pro-Life Association said, “It is a great tragedy that almost all citizens here do not want Roe v. Wade overturned, but it is time to admit that and move on to other pro-life causes. We will continue to provide refreshments to sidewalk counselors at abortion clinics, but other than that, we are going to stop trying to get the Republican Party to be officially pro-life.”

The issue of marriage was briefly addressed by the chairwoman of the Massachusetts Marriage Association: “Most of this state is in favor of gay marriage, and among the young, it is 6-1 in favor. We had initially planned to move our advocacy into retirement homes in an attempt to reach the group most receptive to our message, but upon discovering that many of our own members were actually in the closet, we decided it was time to fold our tent and move to Nebraska.”

The President of the Massachusetts Association of Republican Councils, which calls itself, “The Republican Wing of the Republican Party” said, “We have always advocated that the voters get a clear choice. Unfortunately, they have been grateful for this contrast, and always choose the Democrat.” He then went on to address the group’s future. “We no longer see the point of trying to influence the Republican party. So, from now on, we will be ‘The Republican Wing of the John Birch Society.'”

The head of the Massachusetts Patriots, who was dressed in 18th century clothing made in China, said that he was dismayed to learn that Bostonians today don’t really want to live in the America of 1773, and that they actually like government quite a bit. “Our surveys actually show that the reason people in Massachusetts continue to vote for more and more government is because they don’t hate it, as our members do. Therefore, we have decided to move to Texas to be part of the secession movement there.”

Lastly, the president of the Massachusetts Firearms Committee spoke about failed outreach. “Our attempts to convince urban voters to buy more guns fell upon deaf ears – whose owners often could not hear our message due to the sounds of gunfire in the streets outside. In the suburbs, we not only found that people did not support any gun that could fire more quickly than a Civil War-era musket, but that they wanted to conduct background checks for people buying Nerf guns at Target.”

Democratic Party Chairman John Walsh expressed dismay of the decision of these groups to leave Republican politics: “Whoa! Let’s not be too hasty! These people should remember that they are the Republican party! They have the right ideas and in time, the voters will surely reward them for their perseverance. I am sure that their problems are merely about communication and outreach, and that they can be solved.”

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