Vegan-Theologian Says Soccer is Destroying Western World

While the economy of the world spins counter-clockwise down the toilet and Levi Johnston frets about which bodily appendage he’ll tattoo for his next unwanted pregnancy, vegetarian-theologian-whatever Stephen H. Webb is focusing on how the game of soccer is destroying America.  Apparently he needed to take a break from writing about acoustics and how if you follow the diet in the Bible you’ll love animals and be like Jesus…I guess.

Webb got the idea for this essay while attending a youth soccer match where the level of play doesn’t go beyond seven year-old kids kicking each other in the shins and chasing a ball.

Oh, and the fat kid plays goalie.  

(Wall Street Journal)

Jim Rome look out! Webb is about to get all biblical on your ass:

We have the thumb, an opposable digit that God gave us to distinguish us from animals that walk on all fours. The thumb lets us do things like throw baseballs and fold our hands in prayer. We can even talk with our hands. Have you ever seen a deaf person trying to talk with his feet? When you are really angry and acting like an animal, you kick out with your feet. Only fools punch a wall with their hands. The Iraqi who threw his shoes at President Bush was following his primordial instincts. Showing someone your feet, or sticking your shoes in someone’s face, is the ultimate sign of disrespect. Do kids ever say, “Trick or Treat, smell my hands”? Did Jesus wash his disciples’ hands at the Last Supper? No, hands are divine (they are one of the body parts most frequently attributed to God), while feet are in need of redemption. In all the portraits of God’s wrath, never once is he pictured as wanting to step on us or kick us; he does not stoop that low

Did he just reference the Bible, George W. Bush, and Iraq in an essay about how soccer is making us a nation of pussies? Just say it already, you know he wants to, “Soccer is for fags and Europeans!”  Webb thinks the Bible says feet are evil and that makes soccer evil because soccer is played with your feet, got me? Jesus wouldn’t have offered to wash the feet of his apostles if they were footballers, he would’ve told them to go find another Messiah.

He then goes on this typical cranky old bastard rant, “Back in my day we played baseball and we didn’t have bases we had trash cans and rocks for bases. Yeah! Grunt! Fart! Burp! Back in my day!” We heckled people! We chanted “Hey Batter, Batter”

When I was a kid, baseball was the most popular sport precisely because it was so demanding. Even its language was intimidating, with bases, bats, strikes and outs. Striding up to the plate gave each of us a chance to act like we were starring in a Western movie, blah, blah, blah…striking out. The spectacle of yor failure was so public that it was ..blah, blah, blah… We also spent a lot of time in the outfield chanting, “Hey batter batter!” as if we were Buddhist monks on steroids. Our chanting was compensatory behavior, a way of making the time go by, which is surely why at soccer games today it is the parents who do all of the yelling.

I don’t think I’ve heard anyone say “Hey, Batter, Batter” since Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

Webb manages to blame conservative suburbanites and the troops for falling to this evil liberal (and foreign) scheme called “soccer.”  Orange slices and $9 shin guards at Wal-Mart are all part of that evil Moooselm Obama’s plan to turn American in to a wishy-washy European-socialist utopia!

American parents in the past several decades are overworked and exhausted, but their children are overweight and neglected. Soccer is the perfect antidote to television and video games. It forces kids to run and run, and everyone can play their role, no matter how minor or irrelevant to the game. Soccer and television are the peanut butter and jelly of parenting.

I should know. I am an overworked teacher, with books to read and books to write, and before I put in a video for the kids to watch while I work in the evenings, they need to have spent some of their energy. Otherwise, they want to play with me!

OMG NOW I GET IT! He hates his children because they distract him from writing about Bob Dylan’s faith-of-the-week, so he punishes them with soccer because it makes them tired and less annoying. So, instead of interacting with his kids he’ll put them in a youth soccer program that he believes is leading to the downfall of the Western World and then write a column about why he hates himself.  

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