Read the story here: http://www.bostonherald.com/bu…
Boston Herald reporter Scott Van Voorhis reported on the new Massachusetts state lottery ticket costing $20. It’s the second $20 ticket the lottery has offered and was the follow-up to the successful $20 “Billion Dollar Blockbuster” ticket that released last year. Many experts are anticipating big things as it is offered with a Red Sox theme. I say, certainly the ticket becomes more attractive when there is a picture of “Manny Ortez” on the front. Here is my problem – $20 is a lot of money. Not many people can afford to spend $20 on a lottery ticket.
The other day I was at the convenience store and there in front of me was a stupid person. I knew the person was stupid because he was buying lottery tickets. Only stupid people buy lottery tickets. It’s true, who else would buy a ticket that advertised the absolutely miniscule statistical likelihood of winning right on the back of the ticket. When was the last time that you bought a baked good that had “Odds of your satisfaction with this item 1:1,740,00” on the side? Then again, would you buy it? It is a fact that you are more likely to be hit by lightning than to win a worthwhile amount of money scratching a Massachusetts lottery ticket. It is a failing proposition from the get-go and that is why the state makes so much money from them. Believe me when I say that if a private company made the kinds of profits that the lottery makes, then somewhere a Democrat would be up in arms. I would further surmise that the higher the ticket price – the stupider the person, as they can be easily hoodwinked out of larger sums of money.
Anyway, I watched as the poor, stupid slob pulled out his money to pay for his tickets, which were all one and two dollar tickets by the way. I saw the pain in his eyes as he looked longingly at the $20 “Billion Dollar Blockbuster” tickets, but alas, was not rich enough to buy. As he left a tear fell from his eyes. How sad. How I wanted him to be a little richer and a little stupider so he could enjoy that more expensive ticket – and help fund my kid’s school.
It isn’t fair, people. The lousy little one and two dollar tickets suck, plain and simple. On occasion a person will win $1 or maybe $2, but the rest of the time the stupid people that buy them are left holding a piece of worthless, glossy scrap paper. On the other hand, the $20 tickets advertise how the winner will never have to work again in his life. He will have servants at his beck and call, all hours of the day. So I ask, don’t poor stupid people deserve to have the same unrealistic dreams as the richer, really stupid people that can afford the $20 tickets? I say yes, and that is why I am proposing a lottery ticket financing program. I am willing to loan poor stupid people, and rich stupid people, money at skyrocketing adjustable rates so they can finance their dreams – no matter how unlikely they may be to realize those dreams.
Why should the poor people only be able to afford small dreams of temporary servants, when richer stupider people can afford the dream of full time helpers, ten deep in every room in the house? Sadly, only the richest 1% of stupid people can afford those $20 tickets. It isn’t fair.
Need I say that these $20 tickets discriminate unfairly against minorities and women who are less likely to be able to afford this part of the economic dream – regardless of how stupid they may be? You see, I have a dream, that one day all people will be able to afford these worthless, glossy scratch tickets. I dream that all people regardless of race, sex, sexual preference and income can buy these guaranteed-losing long shot pipedream tickets just like everyone else.
And lastly, if we put the Red Sox on the ticket to make them more attractive then I have a person far more interesting to put on the ticket – Britany Spears. She is the perfect spokes model for the lottery because she is as stupid and rich as they come. Oh wait a minute – Paris Hilton………..