Surgeon General declares chubby Santa a “bad role model”

Read the Boston Herald story here:

The Boston Herald reported today that acting Surgeon General Rear Admiral Steven K. Galson expressed concern that Santa Claus was not setting a proper example for children by being overweight.  These comments came from the Surgeon General during yesterday’s visit to the Boston Children’s Museum.

Now, I generally don’t think too highly of the Surgeon General ever since Bill Clinton’s choice in Joycelyn Elders suggested we teach school children to masturbate.  But, if we are going to appoint someone to be our nation’s “Pontiff” of physical well-being we should at least make sure the person is not brain damaged.

Seemingly, Rear Admiral Steven K. Galson has all the appropriate education and qualifications to hold what is perhaps the most important position in the medical community, but alas that would be wrong.  There is one thing Galson does not have – a firm grasp on reality.  You see, he thinks Santa Claus is real.  Not only that, but he thinks children use Santa Claus as a role model.

Surgeon General Galson needs to learn two things:

First, Santa Claus is not real.  There may have been a person years ago by a similar name, but Galson should know that never did anyone ever slide down chimneys delivering toys to children.  Only a grown person with cerebral cortex deficiencies would believe that a bearded, red-suited, chubster was pulled around by a sled led by reindeer – one with a red glowing nose no less.  Furthermore, there is no factory at the North Pole where elves make toys.  It is just a fable, but don’t think the Democrats won’t use it as an example of jobs moving overseas.

Second, children do not use Santa Claus as a role model.  Certainly I know many kids who want to grow up to be like Curt Schilling, Big Papi, Tom Brady, Bono, and yes even Hillary Clinton, but nobody in their right mind wants to be Santa Claus.  You simply don’t find kids shopping for size 4XL red suits with giant buckles and black patent leather boots.  Santa ain’t no freakin’ role model….

Lastly, if we are going to criticize “imaginary” characters for being overweight then we are too late to the dance.  Certainly Homer Simpson has been a worse role model than Santa Claus.  And what about Fred Flintstone?  Did you ever notice how fat Fred and Barney were compared to their stick-like wives?  No wonder cavemen didn’t last.  Perhaps a thorough study of The Flintstones television show was part of the research conducted by Galson.  Should I even mention that plus-sized camp-terror Yogi Bear whose relentless search for picnic baskets surely led to his early demise?  He should have listened to BooBoo all those years and laid-off the delectable sandwiches found in those tempting traps.  Where is Yogi’s autopsy anyway?  I know Galson would never pick on Fat Albert because immediately someone would yell “Hey, Hey, Hey that’s racism”.

My guess is that Galson chose Santa Claus because he has become and easy target.  Liberals and lunatics have been trying to slander the Jolly one for years and this was a unique opportunity.  After all, Santa would never seek revenge for such a statement.  Oh God, I just had a quick vision of Galson Dead and Santa standing in a courtroom saying “If the red suit don’t fit, you must acquit”.

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